The Longer Winding Road

It’s been several days since I even weighed in and I think that was kind of on purpose. I mentioned I was getting bored and loosing focus and although I haven’t given up, I did take a break. The really cool thing is that I ate a bunch of stuff I really wanted, I didn’t gain any weight. I’m not even going to think of this last week as a bump in the road. I have realized that my road is going to be a winding path. 

I think that I maintained my LTD (Loss To Date) because I’ve changed some fundamental habits. For example, I love potatoes! I especially like french fries. So I got myself a new Actifry and made myself one potato’s worth of no-fat fries. They were gooooooood! And very satisfying. I love pasta. So I made myself a batch of homemade pasta sauce from the season’s fresh tomatoes and some zucchini zoodles with this funky machine my daughter gave me. It was goooooood! And craziest of all – I ordered and ate a pizza! But instead of getting the 2 for 1 special and eating both, I got a single medium and spread those 6 tiny slices over 3 days. And it was goooooooood! I did pass on the ice cream and pie and loaf of garlic bread but I don’t feel deprived. 

I still have a few days for the month and only need to lose a tiny bit to hit my 25 lb/month goal. And now I’m ready to focus again. I’m actually kinda looking forward to month 2 :). 

Week 4

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.             Current weight: 335.0 lbs.           Lost: 23.2 lbs

In holding pattern……..  Have to psych myself up for the next push.  

I Feel Skinny Today

I’m not going to try to analyze this too much but to simply enjoy it. Yes, I feel skinnier today. I don’t know if I am skinnier because I don’t measure myself, and I’m mostly wearing loose and flowing muumuus because of the heat, but even so, I just feel a little change. And that’s a good thing. 

I’m generally feeling “up” today. I’m going to reach my 25 lbs and more in my first month. I don’t crave sweets and I’m dealing with being breadless (well, mostly). I’m getting LOTS of support from my family, both practically and emotionally. I’m thinking about trying to put a workable exercise program in place. I’m not a gym person but I want to walk. Maybe this new Pokemon thing can be my walking coach once it’s released in Canada. So I’m just going to slide into my weekend and enjoy it. See ya Monday. 

Day 20

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.       Current weight: 335.0 lbs.         Loss: 23.2 lbs

Slow but steady now. If I’m careful I can reach that magic 25 lb milestone this week. It was my original goal at the beginning of the first 21 days. It looks good on paper but I’m really not feeling it yet. Maybe I should go and pick up a 25 lb sack of potatoes just to get a reality check. Fingers crossed. 

Day 19

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.         Current weight: 336.0.           Loss: 22.2 lbs

Can you spell  C O N S T I P A T I O N? Lots of veg and fibre and water until things change. 

Day 18

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.     Current weight: 337.0 lbs.       Loss: 21.2 lbs

Yup, I gained a bit. I’m not going to sink my feelings into a stack of buttered toast and ice cream. I have the strength to overcome this………..and I don’t have any bread or ice cream. 

Focus & Fear & Accountability

I didn’t weigh myself today. I was afraid to because last night I ate the SANDWICH! The first couple of bits were really, really, really good. Toasted Club on rye. But after the first couple of bites I started feeling guilty. I actually started having an argument in my head (picture the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other) raging against the fear of the feelings I was having. There should be no guilt associated with food. Cripes, it was a fairly healthy sandwich. But I didn’t even really taste the last couple of bites as I was so emotionally confused….almost devastated that I could “fall off the wagon” so easily and completely. IT WAS ONLY A SANDWICH!!!!! This only proves that my relationship with food still needs a lot of work. 

I haven’t found my balance yet. 

23 lbs in 16 days is nothing to sneeze at but I’m already starting to lose focus. Not tracking my food. Not wanting to weigh in. Intellectually I know that this rate of weight loss isn’t going to last and I even understand that there will be set backs. The weight loss portion of this journey is going to last a couple of years and I know there will be bumps along the way. Emotionally, I’m afraid of how I’ll react when I hit those bumps. I’ve already shown avoidance by not weighing in today. I can avoid myself right back to where I started. I think of those bumps as failures in one side of my head but I know that’s nonsense in the other side. 

And that fear messes with my personal accountability which is silly. This is all screwed up. I’ve done well in my life and had many, many successes. I don’t flaunt it. I have always pushed myself, so eventually I would hit a wall where something didn’t work out and failure would ensue. At that’s the point I would usually pack it in and go to something else. Not always. There are instances where I’d butt my head against something until I overcame the obstacle, but not often. I need to make this journey one of those instances or I won’t succeed. So what is it about those situations where I’d just walk away and those where I’d keep fighting?? 

My Queendom for a Sandwich!

Let me be frank here. I LOVE bread. I was talking with my daughter the other day and told her how much I missed sandwiches. Bless her, she regaled me with all the stuff I could wrap into various types of lettuce leaves to get the same experience. And in this example lies the difference; she sees the sandwich as the stuff inside where I see the sandwich as the stuff outside.  I’m not a Wonder bread person. I was well into school age before I discovered spongy white bread (along with KD and canned soup). I was raised on rye and pumpernickel, the seedier, the better. I did succumb to cultural pressures and made the switch to white bread fairly early. It didn’t seem at all strange to eat egg salad on white at school during the week and liver wurst on rye at home on the weekend. 

As I grew older and my tastes grew more sophisticated, I started making my own bread (still do) using locally ground flours of all different types. There is nothing like a big slice of warm, crusty bread smeared with fresh butter! 

So here’s what I don’t truly understand with all the different articles I’m reading: what’s wrong with bread? Some diet gurus damn it like it was poison. Most claim it as unnecessary to a healthy diet. Many people without weight problems eat bread. I ate bread for years and years before I started gaining weight. Empirical evidence proves that bread does not equal fat. So how come I feel like I should be going to confession for just thinking about eating bread? Have I just become brainwashed by all the hype? Maybe. The only way to know is to put a little bread back into my diet and evaluate what happens. Wow!!! 23 lbs down and now I’m a Guinea pig!

BTW: I’ve tried a bunch of protein shakes and I can share that I’m liking IdealShake. It’s not thick but it tastes ok, has a fibre ingredient that curbs hunger and has only 100 cals/15 gm protein per serving. I’ve only seen it online. It’s cheaper than most other options. The only issue I have is that you’ve really got to shake it for a while to make sure it’s completely dissolved. PS: each 30 serving container comes with a measured shaker/drinking bottle. 

Day 16

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.        Current weight: 335.2 lbs.              Lost: 23.0 lbs

I’m not sure how I am today………..

Day 15

Starting weight: 358.2 lbs.                   Current weight: 337.0 lbs.              Lost: 21.2 lbs

Exhaustion has set in. My daughter says it will pass but I’m frightened.